Let’s start by talking about compromise as a way to maintain a couple’s relationship. It used to be that compromise was the best solution for two people in a long-term union. However, today psychologists are more cautious in advising people to compromise, because often agreeing on what you do not like or in principle does not fit, you get up on a fairly thin ice.
Compromise is most often understood as infringing on one’s own interests in favor of another’s interests, and this cannot be allowed. The partner is accustomed to the fact that he is constantly met and shamelessly enjoys the situation. And a person who makes concessions, very quickly ceases to distinguish their desires from the desires of the partner, which, in turn, is fundamentally wrong. After all, in a relationship, decisions must be made by two, each of whom hears his chosen one and wants to agree with him. Otherwise, we are dealing with a toxic relationship, where one person is good at the expense of another – usually someone who seeks compromise. To prevent this from happening, the main rule of any relationship sounds the same as the ancient Chinese proverb: “There are exactly ten steps between you and another person. If you passed your five and no one met you – turn around and leave! ».
What, in fact, is a healthy relationship between two adults? This is when for each action and remark of one, the other gives a backlash – positive or negative. Seeing the positive feedback, the other realizes that he is doing the right thing. Receiving negativity, decides for himself whether he is ready to correct his behavior or not (see also: “He is a tyrant: 5 signs that your man” breaks “you”).
A simple example: a couple, She’s unhappy that He’s playing games all the time, and says something like this: “I don’t like it. Either you reduce the amount of time you spend at the computer, or we say goodbye. He does not want to lose her and decides in favor of their relationship. Or He says to Her, “You spend too much time with your ex, I don’t like it.” She respects her partner’s feelings and makes significant adjustments to her friendship with her ex-boyfriend. These are not compromises – these are steps towards a partner, if you understand that his requirements are quite reasonable, and you can change your behavior without changing yourself. This is very important.
The partner should be accepted as he is – do not redo it, do not force, do not demand from him the impossible, because it is the way to nowhere. If you do not like something in it, and you are honestly ready to admit to yourself that you will never be able to accept it, it is better to leave immediately, rather than issue ultimatums and seek compromises. This rule, like the previous one, works in both directions. In fact, the situation is this: you realize that your partner has significant virtues (for example, he is a very responsible, caring, generous and intelligent person), for which you are willing to close your eyes to some of his shortcomings (for example, he scatters things, still gnaws nails and loves fishing). You accept him as he is, and do not saw so that he stopped biting his nails and stopped fishing. He knows that you are a wonderful hostess, the most caring wife and mother, and forgives you that you are a montage and a lover of TV series. And there is no need to look for any compromises, because people have entered into relationships with open eyes, without idealizing partners, without requiring one to urgently give up a favorite hobby, and the other stopped following fashion. This is about compromises.
Now let’s try to consider situations in which to go against yourself and agree with your partner is not worth it.
When a partner tries to lower your self-esteem, devalue your achievements, life goals and objectives, and what you do
If your chosen one tries to regularly touch you, humiliate you, hint to you that you are not as good as he would like – this is an alarm bell. The person is trying to raise their self-esteem at your expense, to humiliate you. My advice: if you hear such speeches for the first time, give a “reverse”: to show that such conversations are unacceptable, and you will not allow yourself to be offended. If your partner does not hear you and continues to withdraw about you in the same spirit, think about the appropriateness of communicating with such a person. Whether or not to stay in a relationship with him is up to you. But proving to him how beautiful you are is useless. You don’t deserve praise, just even more offensive and touching sayings.
If your plans for life and your partner’s plans are diametrically opposed
Suppose you want to marry and have two children. There is nothing wrong with that. This is normal. The partner is not ready for a serious relationship, nor for marriage, nor for the appearance of children, and directly or indirectly hints to you in every way. The partner may be free or may be married, but he is comfortable with you – he is happy with everything, he does not want to change anything. And you have a fighting spirit: you think that you will convince him, he will agree, divorce, get married – you just have to wait a bit. You are ready to bend over and endure anything you want for your purpose, without hearing what your chosen one is broadcasting to you. As a result, you adjust to your partner and spend time that you could use to implement your plans and then be happy (see also: “14 reasons to leave him, even if he swears in love”).
When a partner interferes with your relationship with friends or parents
For example, forbids you to meet loved ones without him. Wants to be actively involved in your life, to control the process, he has outbursts of jealousy about and without reason. It is dangerous to meet a partner who interferes in personal space, to agree with his requirements. If a girl tells a story about a beautiful prince who took good care of her, literally carried her in his arms, and now she can not take a step without him, because he is very jealous – this is the beginning of an unhealthy relationship. Because each person has their own personal space, and when we are in a relationship, it means that our partner should respect this space, not try to take it away from us. If your partner does not let you meet his girlfriends, visiting his parents alone, you are afraid of his outbursts of aggression, which will inevitably follow your desire to go somewhere without him, then it makes you seriously think about whether to be with such a person in the principle of communication.
You always have to give “feedback”, explain on your fingers that you do not like the person to understand it. At the initial stage of the relationship, and then also, you do not need to keep quiet – of course nothing will pass and will not be absorbed. If you don’t like your partner’s behavior, you feel that his jealousy and overall behavior is preventing you from being comfortable with yourself, tell him about it. You have the right to personal space just like him. What is included in the concept of “personal space”? This is being alone (optional), socializing with friends, parents, loved ones without the presence of a partner, hobbies, travel, hiking in some places. You tell your partner about it and he either accepts it or he doesn’t. If he does not accept this and continues to control you with even greater ferocity, you leave. Because it is better in this regard, where at the initial stage there is no trust and respect, unfortunately, will not happen.
If your views on finance do not find a response from a partner
Marriage is not just about relationships. The family is a full-fledged community of society with its own budget, such a small economic enterprise, the success of which depends on the skillful management of finances and coordination of actions of both parties. If consistency is not observed, the economic enterprise expects to collapse. It is therefore necessary to pay attention to how your partner manages money, how frivolous he is in spending, because the financial problems (loans, debts) of one can be a burden on the other. Common views on finances, trust, the existence of agreements, a responsible attitude to spending – this is the basis of the stability of the union. If the partner does not consider it necessary to make a contribution to the budget, but at the same time spends your money, and you are not satisfied: the question to you – why do you allow it? And do you need a similar relationship?
Olga is a novel
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