A woman is older: couples with a difference in age through the eyes of men


Artem, financial consultant:

“I’ve seen different and often happy examples of such couples. My friends were attracted by the fact that a woman is more experienced and deeper than their peers. And in intimate relationships, she is more interesting. Some people liked that they were being taken care of. Some of the women failed to form an alliance with peers or older men who suppressed them. And in new relationships, they felt more relaxed.

I had a friend who, to my surprise, married an older girl at twenty-two. When I asked him about this, he replied that we probably all develop asymmetrically. Someone grows up at twenty, someone even at fifty cannot take a step. Now, after fifteen years, they have three children, a strong family.

It all depends on the people. If a man meets an older woman and feels that she is a kindred spirit, then, probably, he does not worry about age, but, perhaps, he only thinks about the stereotypes of society. However, in big cities, this is no longer paid much attention.

The world has changed, now the boundaries of cultures are more and more blurred, less and less people are criticized for their choice. Society imposes stereotypes on a woman: they say, over time, she allegedly loses her attractiveness. But this is only marketing, and I, as a person who is related to it, understand how it works.

When a woman is told: every decade you become less interested in men, it means that you can sell her more and more creams and cosmetics. In fact, it is becoming more and more interesting. This, of course, applies to those who develop, because if this does not happen, then at fifty a woman will be the same mind as at fifteen. Whoever progresses, strives forward, he does not grow old, but only reveals himself brighter.

Could I be in a relationship with an older woman? I can quite imagine it. “

Sergey, sports coach:

“I had a long-term relationship with an older woman. And I can say that such unions have their pros and cons. I see the advantages in the fact that a man psychologically matures more slowly than a woman. And for him, a woman is older – an incentive that pushes him to develop and conform.

The second point is biological. After 30-35 years, women flourish, open up, become more feminine. With a man of his age, it sometimes becomes difficult for them – their peer partners gradually lose their libido and taste for life. And in women, on the contrary, it increases. And this applies not only to sex, but in general life activity.

Such couples can be stable, because a woman already understands what she wants from this life. The younger partner is attracted to it.

However, the pluses can partly play into the minus. If a woman is overly concerned that she is losing her physical attractiveness, she may feel jealous. She begins to compete with a younger environment in which girls seem to her as rivals, even if they are not. The man breaks down and leaves.

I confess that this was my case. There was constant tension in our house. We lived together for seven years and were happy all these years, until my companion began to torment us both with jealousy. However, I do not exclude that jealousy is often not groundless, a man can really turn towards younger women. “

Alexey, doctor:

“Statistics show that marriages where a man is younger than a woman is more durable. The average age of such a union is about twelve years. If the couple are peers or a man older, the duration of their relationship is on average five to six years.

However, it cannot be said that people in different age marriages are happier or more unhappy. Each case is probably unique. There are certain psychological characteristics in which a man or woman may be attracted to older partners.

From the point of view of medicine, it is important that the person is with someone. So that he is not alone. As a doctor, I can say that any healthy partnership is already a huge prevention of age-related changes. We have to adapt even in small things: to the mood of another person, his habits. This, in turn, leads to the stimulation of the formation of new neural connections, which does not happen alone. Therefore, the main thing is for a person to live in harmony with someone. And already with whom – it does not matter. Even in a significant age gap, I do not see anything wrong.

In my environment there are both patients and friends living in pairs with a large age difference. And they resolve inevitable conflicts, like all people, depending on their own internal culture and communication skills. “

“Psychological compatibility of partners is more important than external compliance with the stereotypes of a good family”

Lev Khegai, Jungian analyst

We live in a time when ideas about the family are radically changing. The changes relate to gender composition (for example, in many countries of the world there are same-sex families), forms of union (guest marriage, virtual relationships), type of love relationships (promiscuity, polyamory, polygamy / polyandry). On the threshold of tolerance even to such exotic forms as “partnership with oneself” or “alliance with a virtual partner-robot.”

Against this background, unions in which a woman is older do not seem to be something unusual for a long time. The popularity of this model is associated with the aging of the European population, the bet on individual choice and the general tendency of modern people to deny age, maintaining the narcissistic illusion of immortality.

When we say “young at heart” or “matured early”, we mean that the psychological age does not coincide with the age of the body. Moreover, in different circumstances, one person can behave like a child, then like an old man.

In a pair relationship, there is contact between the child and adult parts of the personality. Therefore, the psychological compatibility of partners is more important, and not external compliance with the stereotypes of a good family. Although socio-political changes affect people’s consciousness, we remain at the mercy of subconscious mechanisms.

There are no perfect relationship patterns – each comes with a cart of related problems

In the union of a man with a woman much older, it will be difficult for her to project the image of a positive father onto him. At the same time, she can identify with his youth and energy, as well as project the child onto him, including her maternal feelings. This is important if she has not realized herself as a mother.

It will probably be difficult for him to see in her the embodiment of eternal femininity and the young Anima (Eve or Aphrodite). However, her strong mother complex can give him a sense of security, lack of parental support, which will allow him to become more creative and liberated.

Another problem with unions of different ages is that the younger does not receive eternal childhood, but, on the contrary, grows up faster than his peers. The elder, on the other hand, instead of being self-sufficient due to the possession of an ideal child in the person of the younger, receives an increase in the feeling of loneliness.

This is due to the simple-complex relationship pattern commented on by Carl Gustav Jung. The simple resists the control and authority of the complex, which will prevent him from getting on his feet. He will play separation impulses with him. And if he continues to idealize the complex, he will get stuck in infantilism. At the same time, the difficult one only half feels in a relationship, because he lacks someone who is wiser or “more” than him.

In general, there are no perfect relationship patterns – each comes with a cart of related problems. But this does not mean that people will not be able to solve them and will not find their own recipe for happiness.

Lev Hegai

About the expert

Lev Hegai – Jungian analyst, co-founder of the Moscow Association for Analytical Psychology (MAAP), senior lecturer at MIP.

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