Gender: decipher your fantasies

Lucie disguises herself as a harem sultana, Alice imagines herself tied by soldiers, Stéphane cracks on high heels… What role do these “brain strokes” play?

Have you ever in a dream, in the sky of another bed, counted new stars? “In a tender song, Pénélope, Georges Brassens nicely asks this question. Cécile is one of those Pénélopes who dream of new stars. When she is about to reach orgasm in her husband’s legitimate arms, she imagines in his place a masked stranger Secretly, his pleasure increases tenfold … in all honor.

Chili peppers for love

Psychologists call this type of behavior a sexual fantasy. No need to look around for perversions, transgressions and other sulphurous words, there is nothing here that is very normal and very banal. It is a production of the imaginary which allows the ego to take some distance from reality. Men or women, we all, or almost, at one time or another, consciously or not, explicitly or not, fantasies, especially sexual. Most of the time, these play a positive role in our love life.

If it is arbitrary to classify them by categories, as they are specific to each individual, we can nevertheless divide them into two large families: those, “creative”, which enrich the report; and those who bypass inhibitions, thus allowing sexuality to express itself. To which we could add two modes of expression: those which remain secret, abstract, from the domain of the imagination; and those which are concretized by a passage to the act – one then leaves the fantasy in the literal sense for the eroticism.

In an established couple, they make it more playful, more daring. Like under the influence of alcohol. “To speak while making love, to evoke imaginary situations, it is for us a powerful aphrodisiac and a way to break the routine”, tells Lucie, married for three years, to whom it happens to disguise herself, in dream, in harem sultana or nurse. The fantasies allow to amplify the pleasure, to “take off”, to go further in the sensation. For a more creative sexuality. They are then shared like secrets that strengthen the bond of intimacy.

Overcome your inhibitions

Alice, 30, has had a very specific scenario in mind since she was 8, always the same: “I am a poor little girl caught by bad soldiers. Already in the schoolyard, I asked to my classmates to tie me up to play “Angélique, marquise des Anges.” Making love without this kind of staging has no interest for me: I feel like a piece of meat. ”Alice helps herself. of his fantasy as of a refuge. The scenarios she creates help her overcome and sublimate a sort of aversion to sex.

She who had a happy childhood does not know where they came from. “Probably very strict upbringing, suggests Muriel Dagmar, psychosexologist. People who are very inhibited about pleasure feel relieved when they imagine that it is being administered to them by force. It alleviates their feeling of guilt: the culprit, c is the other. ”Likewise, women who have rape fantasies are often the ones who fear it the most. One way for them to ward off this anxiety.

The fantasy is also used to protect from archaic fears. When Fabien makes love with his partner, he imagines that she has invited a group of girlfriends to the living room. He, seated on a chair, is blindfolded. The young women form a circle around him, and each in turn abuses his body. This is a standard phantasmal situation: “The orgies scenes with faceless strangers or blindfolded refer to an early childhood anxiety, that of the infant in the face of maternal omnipotence. , notes Catherine Anthony, psychoanalyst. Here, the anonymous multitude embodies the mother who disposes of the subject as she pleases. Imagine an erotic scene where we play with this threatening multitude, where we enjoy it, ward off the threat. ”

Likewise, at age 20, Annie needed encouragement during love. “What made my desire more powerful was to imagine that we were in the center of an amphitheater, surrounded by a large audience, who shouted“ oh! ” and “ah!”, and applauded at the strongest moments. “” For Annie, this audience represents the Other – unconscious – whose approval it is a question of “, explains Sophie Cadalen, psychoanalyst. Fantasies play an outlet role all the greater as the individual is subjected to strong moral or social pressures. Imagining making love in a church, a public place, a reception, is a symbolic snub to the laws of society. The heavier the ban, the more the imagination exults,

Divert the bans

“At the height of desire, an image crosses me, always the same, confides Boris: I offer my partner to a man before taking it. This is when I come.” This is it. of unconscious homosexual fantasies: “Terrified by the idea that his partner offers himself of his own accord to another, Boris makes himself master of the situation by offering it himself, analyzes Catherine Anthony. This saves him the anguish of jealousy and, more deeply, of his own repressed desire for men. ”Likewise, what to think of Stéphane’s obsessive taste for stilettos. “A woman without pumps leaves me cold,” he said. “I like high heels, preferably patent leather.”

According to the shrinks, the patent court shoe represents for Stéphane the missing penis of the woman. Without this accessory, it would become unwanted. And he would risk turning to real male penises. Another essential form of defense: the ban on incest. Samy adores and respects Myriam and Sonia, his two dark-eyed brown sisters. “As a teenager, I only fantasized about tall blondes with blue eyes, he is surprised. I actually married a Swedish woman.” Desiring your sisters and, worse, your mother is taboo. Like many men, Samy can only desire a physical type opposed to that of taboo women.

Narcissistically reassure yourself

Many fantasies fill a lack of self-confidence, especially through onanism. When she caresses herself, Marie, a social worker in life, dreams of being a stripper. Two scenarios. Hard version: she dances on a podium in front of a crowd of horny men. Soft version: she undresses slowly while the neighbor opposite spies her through the binoculars… In solitary pleasure, Noémi, to enjoy, imagines herself pregnant, “because it is the fullness of femininity”. Also gratifying the fantasy of Jean, plumber, who lies down all day under broken taps imagining that his clients are burning with desire for him… He loves going to work! For all three, it is a need for narcissistic reassurance.

Dream them or live them

Should we stick to the imagination or live our fantasies? It all depends on their content. Dangerous fantasies, rape, pedophilia, should imperatively – it goes without saying – stay where they are: in the head. As for sadomasochism, only the person concerned can know if they are ready to experience this type of sexuality. There is no guarantee, in fact, that what succeeds at the phantasmal level will succeed in reality. Sometimes you have to dare to take the risk …

There are many other cases where the realization of an innocuous fantasy does not really hurt anyone. But then another question arises: how to verbalize your fantasies to make them come true?

Be silent or confide

Dive into the most secret recesses of the imagination of his (her) partner, discover his most shameful desires and out of love to respond to them: who has never wanted it? But our own, we are always a little hesitant to reveal them. They are, and we are aware of it, time bombs that must be handled with great care… especially when the partner does not play the star role! “Talking about it is already a passage to the act”, observes Sophie Cadalen. It is therefore easier to entrust your fantasies to a partner likely to share them.

Otherwise, they risk either falling flat, which is a lesser evil, or distressing the other, or even inhibiting him. Asking the question abruptly – “What are your fantasies?” – is rarely conclusive. Many claim to have none. Mainly women. “This request has the gift of complexing them,” notes Sophie Cadalen. To avoid blockages, it is therefore better, before talking about yourself, to take a subtle detour, for example to mention a book or a film that may have disturbed us. If the emotion passes, it’s won!

Use without abusing

The comparison between the tonic effect of alcohol and that of fantasy is not absurd. Generally harmless and positive, its abuse can seriously harm mental health. To believe the psychoanalyst Juan David Nasio, it is established for many women a kind of dependence, the mental images being their only means of reaching the orgasm. The imaginary can also enclose the subject and cut him dangerously from reality. Catherine Anthony quotes a patient who, since the age of 14, has been masturbating while watching sadomasochistic pornographic magazines. Trapped in his fantasy, he couldn’t establish normal relationships with a woman, and at 24 he was still a virgin.

Consumed in moderation, on the other hand, it is indeed a positive production of our psyche. “The capacity to fantasize is the source of a rich, fruitful imagination, allowing sublimation, the diversion of energy on creation, writes Dr. Pierre Marie ( Dictionary of fantasies and perversions (Blanche, 2000). […] In this sense is balancing, as much as the dream. “As for the psychosomatician Sylvain Mimoun, he calls it” caress of the brain. “Almost as poetic as the new stars of Georges Brassens.

Fantasies: to each his own erotic scenario

Men , whose eroticism is essentially visual, fantasize anywhere and anytime, according to psychoanalyst Juan David Nasio. An image in the street, a fleeting contact in the metro can be enough to trigger their imagination. They are generally not great directors. Their fantasies, current and predictable, draw mainly from the repertoire of pornographic films, with for example close-up oral sex scenes.

Women operate in a totally different way. Their fantasies generally arise at the very heart of the romantic relationship, and participate, when they do not condition it, in the climax of orgasm. Their content, original, inimitable, is not explicitly erotic, but sophisticated, often underpinned by a romantic situation, a loving whisper which has excited the imagination as much as the sensuality. They change with age. Finally, more than men, women keep their fantasies buried. Not out of modesty but out of prudence. According to psychoanalyst Catherine Anthony, in our culture, women must not fantasize, otherwise they run the risk of no longer appearing virtuous and reassuring. In the eyes of many men, the whore can fantasize, not the mom.

To have or not

Many think they do not feed any fantasy, as the word is connoted “deviance”, like sadomasochism or other practices that morality condemns. But erotic daydreams are often the opposite of these forms of sexuality, especially among women. A survey conducted among readers of the “Harlequin” novels, steeped in marshmallow and decorum, showed that these readings had a strong erotic impact on them. But these are the same women who will ensure that they do not have fantasies!

But there are also men and women, no more abnormal than the others, living a fulfilling sexuality without having to resort to the imagination. They are lucky, says sexologist Yves Ferroul, “to feel completely fulfilled by the present moment and the sensations experienced with their partner”. What to inspire in others a fantasy of Adam and Eve in paradise, just before the fatal episode of the snake.


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