Relationships are based on communication. The more competently we build it, the more harmonious the relationship. Of course, we cannot be responsible for the actions and actions of the “opponent”, but at least 50% of success depends on our actions and the correct reaction.
Major communication errors
Any relationship is first of all a contact that needs to be continuously maintained. The more valuable and important a person is to you, the more attention is required to maintain the relationship. It can be argued for a long time that you are madly in love with your wife, but devote most of your free time to your friends. Everyone, without exception, in a relationship wants to receive care, love and support, and not criticism, constant accusations and moralizing. Even if you only want good for a person, there are better ways to convey your displeasure.
1. Is this how opposites attract? Strong relationships are built on common interests. Constantly emphasizing the differences between you is a sure way to conflict and quarrels. Perhaps opposites are attracted, but it is difficult to be close to a person who criticizes your tastes, lifestyle, does not share your interests for a long time. Different political views, religious issues and cultural differences are taboo if the relationship is more important to you than your beliefs.
2. What is really born in a dispute? Disputes and the imposition of their point of view have broken more than one family union. Consider if your righteousness is worth a relationship that you can ruin? No one has yet proven the assertion that a dispute is a noble cause and that truth is born in it. But the fact that those who like to argue do not leave another right to their point of view and as a result of a dispute one must necessarily lose – a fact. And it will not strengthen the relationship in any way.
3. How to understand what the partner is really thinking about? Thinking for another person is another enemy of relationships. You do not know the true reason for a person’s behavior, but in some miraculous way you have already decided everything for him, have already accused him of all sins, and you yourself are offended by your own fantasies. For example, a person does not pick up the phone and does not call back for a long time – and then you decided that he … Everyone can come up with their own version, they will be very different and none will be correct.
4. What if the partner is not a telepath? Another option is when you expected a certain behavior from a person, but did not inform him about it in any way. You are sure that he has telepathic abilities, and you too were offended when the person himself did not guess what you wanted from him. This is when you really wanted a fur coat for the New Year, and you were presented with a phone. How could he not have guessed?
If you need something from a person, the only way to get it is to directly say what you want. Blaming and getting personal will also not bond your union. “Because you are like this / like that” is the right path to conflict. In resolving disagreements, you need to operate with facts, and not offend a person if he is dear to you.
The golden rule is “yes to a person, no to a problem.” Discontent does not need to be contained, and you do not need to tolerate a bad attitude towards yourself. Discontent should be expressed in such a way as to eliminate the problem, not the person.
How to express dissatisfaction and not quarrel
First and foremost, identify the problem. What exactly does not suit you in a person’s actions? Let him know how you feel about this. Explain why you are offended, annoyed, angry, upset by this behavior. And be sure to tell how you would like him to do the next time in a similar situation. This is not a guarantee that a person will necessarily and unquestioningly act as you want, but such a wording will at least help to avoid conflict.
Remember that responsibility in a relationship is divided in half between partners. And you can only influence the course of events by 50% – the remaining 50 belong to your partner. The problem cannot be solved alone, even if you are a communication guru. But on your part, you are doing the best possible, and then it’s up to the partner.
“Lost in Translation”
How to hear what a person really means? In communication, it is important to correctly capture the meaning of what the partner is trying to convey. How often does it happen that a person says one thing and you hear something completely different?
Lost in Translation is when you speak one language but still misunderstand the words of the other person. For example, a woman who screams that she hates her husband and asks to get out of her eyes actually wants to convey that she is in pain. Being able to understand the feelings behind words is not easy, but sometimes it is the only way to understand another person. For your part, track how accurately you convey your thoughts and how ambiguously you can assess what you said.
How to resist criticism
Criticism is a non-constructive way of communication. But what should you do when you are criticized? Agree if the criticism is fair. Disagree and defend your position if you are criticized in a biased manner.
Admitting that you are wrong is always the right step towards resolving any conflict. And remember the main thing – you cannot achieve perfect relationships and perfect communication, since not everything depends on you. But whatever the behavior of a person, you are responsible only for your own behavior and give out the most adequate reaction. For your part, you are doing everything possible to normalize the relationship, and even if you do not get the desired result, you will not be tormented by feelings of guilt or a feeling that you have behaved incorrectly.
about the author
Natalia Draga – psychologist, psychotherapist, psychodiagnostic specialist.
Source : www.psychologies.ru