The dress has been bought, the restaurant has been ordered, guests have been invited, but you are not at all happy with the approaching celebration – is this a familiar situation? You are not alone in these feelings: jitters before the wedding happens to 80% of brides. Why and what to do with this – we will tell you together with the experts.
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Why there is excitement before the wedding
To begin with, let’s reassure you: this is normal, since a wedding is not just a loud party with a photo shoot and gifts. “Doubt and fears of the wedding – a completely natural process, because with her social status changes (you turn from a free woman to a married one), new obligations and legal relations appear within the couple, “notes Liliana Kalandarova, psychologist, founder of the “Friends Club”.
This tension is also reinforced by those around them, claiming that cohabitation or relationships without a stamp in the passport do not carry as much weight as a formal marriage. “Even if you and your future husband have lived together safely for several years, the very moment of officially creating a family can be frightening,” says Ekaterina Fedorova, famous psychologist, sex trainer, winner of the “Crystal Lotus-2019” award, author of ten books on family relationships and director of a women’s training center. – After all, what came before – as if it was “pretend”, is not serious. And here – a wedding march, a white dress and “do you swear …”. And the celebration itself is filled with troubles and worries. We want it to be perfect, to be bright, to make all the guests happy, and as a result we drive ourselves into stress. This condition is called “bride syndrome”.
And some are worried about the very possibility of trusting another, for example, the girl is afraid of marriage as such. “What do the bride’s fears and worries about the wedding speak about? Each of us is different. But there is always something in common. Fears before the wedding speak of the fear of sharing your life with another person, of believing that happiness with him is possible, “- believes Irina Khvatova, psychologist, kinesiologist, member of APPK and APK.
Moreover, depression before the wedding can develop in those who are getting married for the first time, and in “experienced” brides. To avoid this, it is advisable not to ignore the first symptoms (anxiety, insomnia, changes in appetite, apathy) and hope that everything will go away on its own, but to devote time to working out fears.
Pre-wedding depression in the bride: the main fears that provoke her
Reasons for excitement before the wedding the bride may have a lot: these are organizational issues (who does not dream of an ideal ceremony?), and fear of making a mistake (“did I choose the one?”), and doubts about her future life (“will I be a good wife?” ). Let’s analyze the main ones.
“Is everything going well for sure?”
A wedding is not the easiest event to organize. And since girls dream of a perfect celebration, even minimal disruptions can cause the bride to tremble. “Not all couples turn to a wedding planner for help, planning everything themselves – from preparing a menu to booking a hotel. It is difficult to keep up with everything, especially if there is little time for preparation. But even if a special person is responsible for all the questions, there is no less excitement. What if the weather lets you down? Or half of the guests won’t be able to come? In any case, remember: this holiday is organized specifically for your couple, and the main thing is the atmosphere of love and happiness. Don’t let the little things spoil your celebration, ”recommends Ekaterina Fedorova.
Try to accept that there are no perfect weddings and at your celebration, most likely, something will go wrong too. Treat this with humor.
“Can I cope with the role of a wife?”
This question often torments women with an excellent pupil’s complex; it is important for them to be the best in everything, including in the field of family relations. “You need to honestly answer your question – do you want to become a wife or get married? – clarifies Irina Khvatova. – If you become a wife, what qualities of today’s you will allow you to be a good companion to your spouse? Strike them down and boldly walk down the aisle. Understanding who you are will help you overcome your fear. If you just want to get married, then fears can often haunt you. They want to “play” with a wife, and not be her ”.
In order to overcome anxiety about this topic, it will be useful to give up unnecessary demands on yourself. “You can go to express consultations with a psychologist or read books to work out your attitudes about marriage and relationships, to clear your own opinion of the imposed prescriptions or examples of your parental family,” advises Liliana Kalandarova.
“What if after the wedding the relationship will deteriorate?”
Many are afraid of everyday life and scandals, with which an established marriage is often associated. “Often, brides are afraid that after the wedding the romance, the“ fairy tale ”characteristic of the initial stages, will leave the relationship,” says Liliana Kalandarova. – Alas, this is not unreasonable, because the wedding invisibly changes a lot. She challenges us to go through the stage of greater intimacy and everyday life, to meet with the shadow of a partner. If you overcome all this, the relationship moves to another level. But not everyone is ready to go through it – to show flexibility, acceptance, attentiveness. Here you need to understand that if, for example, you want a beautiful body by summer, you will have to work on it – go to the gym, follow a diet. It’s the same with relationships, if you’re ready for more intimacy, you have to work on it. But all this is overcome by the realization that this is my person, with him I am ready to move on. “
You can also deal with these fears with a psychologist, but if this is not possible, discuss the topic with married friends, especially with those who have been officially married for more than 5-6 years. Chances are, their stories about family life will allay your fears and prepare you for a change in your relationship. “And it will also be useful to discuss your“ wedding tremors ”with your partner, because long-term relationships are built on sincerity and the ability to talk to each other,” recalls Liliana Kalandarova.
“Is this the right person?”
Often the reason pre-wedding mandrake the girl becomes doubtful whether she has chosen the right partner. And this, psychologists say, is the most serious fear. “If, when thinking about your future husband, you start a dialogue of reason and intuition, and intuition tells you“ no, ”you should seriously think about it,” warns Liliana Kalandarova. – Alas, we can close our eyes to some moments in relationships related to abuse, manipulation, emotional abuse. We were taught this. Somewhere in the depths of our souls we can understand that something is not right, and the head will say “No, look what a good person, he gives us this, this” and lists some important points for you.
To deal with this fear, it is advisable to contact a specialist – perhaps your relationship is really not as good as it seemed at first glance, and it is worth postponing the wedding until you figure it out.
“I love him, but I’m not sure that he will be able to provide for his family”, “We don’t know each other well enough, suddenly after the wedding everything will change” – women’s forums are full of such publications. And not all fears are unfounded. A good solution is to answer a few questions: What exactly prompted you to say the cherished “yes” to this man? If you break up, will you be happy? Try to imagine yourself next to your future husband in 10-20 years. Are you happy? If you feel that you are not, it is better to cancel the wedding, ”advises Ekaterina Fedorova.
How to beat the wedding jitters on the day of the celebration
Here are some tips for avoiding stress on your wedding day.
Prepare ahead of time. “I recommend doing exercises from brain gymnastics, abdominal breathing a week before the event – this will help you reduce the level of fear and feel better. But remember, any event is alarming, and if you are able to control it, then everything is fine, ”says Irina Khvatova.
“Well, if you are too emotional, you should consult a doctor in advance, who will advise a good sedative without sleeping pills,” adds Ekaterina Fedorova.
Give up perfectionism. Try not to pay attention to the little things during the celebration if something goes wrong.
Focus on yourself and your partner. “Your holiday. Don’t try to please all guests. It’s impossible, ”advises Ekaterina Fedorova.
Don’t try to control all the details personally, ask your friends or family to take care of some points in advance.
Refuse to experiment the day before. “In order not to worry about your appearance, do not experiment with new cosmetics on the eve of the celebration and be sure to get some sleep,” sums up Ekaterina Fedorova.