One evening, Sophie made love with Maeva, a lesbian. A meeting that marked her and made her want to explore this part of her sexuality. She tells us about her adventure, her pleasure and her new expectations. Testimony.
When I met Maeva, I was 25 years old. I was single and saw a man from time to time. He and I were separated by distance and our story boiled down to a few weekends. Nothing really serious. I was not closed to meeting. I was more of the type to seize opportunities. I occasionally flirted with others in the evening. I was coming out of two long relationships of two years each, I wanted to have fun, as long as this lifestyle suited me. I didn’t have the fantasy of sleeping with a girl. Let’s just say that it tempted me. I knew I was attracted to women, they exerted a certain fascination on me. I also knew I could fall in love with a woman. It had happened to me before: to be confused, to want more… But I hadn’t taken the plunge yet, at least I hadn’t been able to. I didn’t meet a lot of lesbians and when I did, I didn’t know how to go about it without being awkward.
“Our relationship started off like a big sister little sister”
And then there was Maeva. We got to know each other in a professional context, during a seminar. Four days in all. I was under her responsibility, but she was not my supervisor. We weren’t working for the same organization. We quickly hit it off on a big sister, little sister basis. She was older than me. At that time, I was very attracted to a man who was there and I confided in her. I felt that she did not leave me indifferent. She told me to be a lesbian, she fully assumed her sexuality, it made her beautiful. She was androgynous, full of charm, it was disturbing. I don’t know why I chose to hit on him, this guy who was eyeing me. I don’t know why I was telling him everything about her either. I imagine men out of habit, for ease too.
In the end, it materialized with him, but I stayed in touch with Maeva. It wasn’t until months later that things got done. It was I who sent him a message to suggest that he see each other, have a drink and chat. She agreed and we ended up in a quiet and pleasant bar. It was a nice evening, we talked about everything and nothing, I wanted something else, but didn’t know how to go about it. I let her go home without trying. I had some regrets, but at the same time, I just listened to myself. I did not have the keys to dare more.
“I knew we were going to have sex only two seconds before impact”
Everything was done a few weeks later. Again in a professional context, we spent a few days together. On closing night, we went home. Her roommate, who also worked with her, helped us. He guessed my fears and felt that I wanted more.
“I no longer know who took the first step“
So we arrived at her place, somehow, because she was quite tipsy. I wasn’t sure we would take the plunge until… two seconds before impact. We went to bed and each chatted on our side of the bed, about everything and nothing, but absolutely nothing about what was going or could be going on. A conversation light on then off. I no longer remember who took the first step, but it seems to me that it was she. I am surprised to forget this detail because I was very stressed. It seems obvious to me that it was she who kissed me, then embraced. She was more confident and must have sensed my fears. It was very sweet.
“In bed, I didn’t know how to do it, I asked myself a thousand questions”
I didn’t know how to go about it, I was afraid of hurting her, of being clumsy. I did not dare to venture out. I was so enterprising and comfortable with men, I was paralyzed, I asked myself a thousand questions. You might think that having a female body in front of you is simpler: you know, you have the same. On the contrary, each to its own functioning and I had absolutely no idea what was his, it panicked me.
“I felt a little silly that it was so easy with men and sucked with a woman“
She was very gentle and did everything to put me at ease. I ended up relaxing, but I was careful not to hurt her or be too abrupt. I felt that I was much less sensual than usual. I felt a little silly that it was so easy with men and sucked with a woman. I was too calculating to just give up.
I had a lot of fun. Yet it is very different from a man. Everything was much sweeter, more “smooth”. There was something different, mutual understanding, an obvious connection. I didn’t have an orgasm, I think the stress stopped me.
We only had sex in the evening, not the next morning. It wasn’t dark enough anymore for me to let go, so that I could have sex without judging myself. I felt overwhelmed by a sort of modesty and the impression that I had missed everything the night before. The memory was too awkward to give me permission to do it again.
“I want to discover more of this part of my sexuality”
That night, I learned to take the time again, I think. To savor, to share languid caresses, to give priority to tenderness. I realized that this was not always the case, especially with passing men. It reminded me that this was important and that I needed it to really have fun. Not psychological pleasure. I am not speaking here of abandonment, of disposition, but really of physiological pleasure. So that the body starts, flies, I need long foreplay and a voluptuous exchange.
“I rediscovered myself in my relationships with men“
I thank Maeva for helping me take the plunge, for being my first time. Looking back, it was perfect. I had doubts, fears, but she knew how to relax me and give me a sweet moment. I just needed someone to take me by the hand, show me what I’m capable of, also prove to me that it’s not that complicated. But for sure, I could not have made love with a passing girl, I would have felt hurt in my privacy.
When I went back to bed with a man, I saw the difference. I looked at myself differently, I felt a little more fragile than before. I rediscovered myself in my relationships with men, I saw all of this through a new prism. I wanted softness, slowness too. It was tender and trembling.
“I fully assume my sexuality today, I want to discover myself again”
This story also confirmed to me that I also love women. That I could fall in love with a person, regardless of their gender. However, I did not fall in love with Maeva. I like having sex with a girl and I want to discover more of this part of my personality and my sexuality. Since Maeva, I started again. I had a short relationship with a girl, I was less stressed, more confident. I take full responsibility for my sexuality today, although my experience with girls remains fragile. It’s pretty exciting to be able to experience that today. It’s a part of me that I discover, which surprises me sometimes, but I find it pretty. It’s a chance to be able to let yourself go through this.
“We never made love again“
Unfortunately, I find that not all lesbians are as open and tolerant as Maeva. I am often confronted with the look of lesbians over bisexuals. They often think that I’m not looking for anything serious, that I just want to discover and have fun. “A straight girl who got lost“, I hear. And I find that a shame.
I stayed in touch with Maeva, we never made love again, the question did not even arise. We understood each other I think. We became very close, she is one of my best friends, I crossed the Atlantic to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. His wife is extraordinary. They are beautiful together. For me they embody Love with a capital A. Until the end, Maeva will have been a trigger for me, both sexual and sentimental. I admire their way of dealing with daily life, their relationship, the vagaries of life, absolutely loving each other every day. I find their story beautiful and moving. They give me back confidence in this idea of the Love of a lifetime. Male or female, I’ll see.
Source : journaldesfemmes.fr