Masha Botvinina recalls the means with provocative names and reflects on why one Orgasm is good, but many “orgasms” – not always.
The other day, a completely unexpected message arrived in my sports chat, where my fitness-oriented friends hang out. An adult uncle, an exemplary family man and triathlete.: “I tried Squirting! My life won’t be the same. I’ll send you a photo right away.”
After searching under the table for the fallen jaw and changing my mind in a matter of moments, I found out that Squirt is the name of a Bicycle lubricant. I don’t know what the manufacturers did, but now I can hardly forget what to buy to protect the chain from dirt.
And more recently, Gwyneth Paltrow released a candle that smells like her orgasm (This Smells Like My Orgasm). For reference: in the pyramid of orgasm of a Hollywood star, there are notes of grapefruit, neroli, black currant, green tea and Turkish rose.
For Gwyneth and her company Goop, this is the second launch with such an unambiguous naming. In early 2020, a candle that “smells like my vagina” was released . The first batch sold out almost instantly.
Responding to the question “why does humanity need such details?”, Paltrow demonstrates an iron business acumen: “If you are in the top news, there is demand and traffic on the site is growing-this is great.”
But I am honestly confused by this demand. Who are all these people? .. What do they plan to do while burning these incense? I try to imagine: under what circumstances would I buy a candle with the smell of someone’s orgasm or vagina?
Maybe Gwyneth was right. Well, who needs another Fleur-d-oranges or wooden Tonka beans now? What does it matter what’s in the pyramid — the main thing, the talking name and astral connection with the idol?
Yes? Or not?
So many questions and no answers.
Let’s play a game. There are 32 shades of blush in The NARS palette. Name any of them?.. I doubt that at least half of those who read this text would cheerfully exclaim “Liberte”! Or at least – “Amour”!
Everyone has one word in their head and on their tongue — Orgasm. Written literally in the subcortex. Carved on the tablets. Nars, of course, did everything to make this happen: Orgasmus blush has been produced since 1999, every season is a new collection, and there is no beauty editor who would not make a selection of products with the” game ” title “Orgasms do not happen a lot”. And make-up artists tell models so directly: “I’ll paint you up to orgasm.” The main thing is that everyone will understand each other. Unless you want to clarify: and what year of release is your, sorry, orgasm?)
In addition to Nars, this” obscene ” game was played from the very beginning by Urban Decay — with their naked pallets. Quite innocently, in my opinion, but my young man, seeing the inscription on the lid, let out a significant “Oooh”. I didn’t tell him that they still had Vice lipstick, Perversion mascara, and Naked Lipgloss lip gloss in the Rule 34 shade. And tell them what it is»Rule 34″ States that “if something exists, there is already porn about it”).
In this column, there is no way to do without Tom Ford, the genius of provocation and bravura (bravura) sexuality. For The f*ucking Fabulous fragrance (“Oh** * awesome”), Russian distributors shamefacedly covered the expletive with a red rectangle (although this was not required by law). So now it is even more convenient to find it on the shelves among other similar vials. And we already know what it says.
But the freshest is the Rose Prick fragrance, the same Tom Ford. The direct translation is “pink spike”, but the word prick has another meaning, which is why the perfume immediately received the nickname “pink Dildo”.
But other inveterate perfume nonconformists Etat Libre D’orange in the names did not paint over anything and children at the stands did not close their eyes and ears. Although, perhaps, it was worth it: among the more or less decent “Huge navel” and “Real blonde” there are Sécrétions Magnifiques (“Wonderful secretions») and Putain des Palaces. And this, for a second, long before Tom Ford, literally at the dawn of the sexual beauty revolution.
Still, we should remember a mascara Better than Sex (“Better than sex”) Too Faced lipstick MAC Spank Me Santa (“Spank me, Santa”) from the collection of 2018, and fragrance Kilian Hennessy Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi “would you sleep with me?”. (What a question at all — we saw Kilian!))) As well as its Forbidden Games (“Forbidden games”) or Good Girl Gone Bad (“Good girl became bad”).
There is such a joke: as your English proficiency increases, more genitals will appear in your favorite songs. In cosmetics, it seems, it goes to the same thing. Many things we simply don’t read because of our own linguistic limitations. Seryozha Ostrikov once said that when he worked at Pudra, they supplied Jeffree Star products to Russian online stores, and they required translation of shades into Russian. And on this path, they were met with madness: it turned out that in terms of naming, Jeffrey went much further than Tom Ford and Urban Decay. For example, shades of matte lipstick Venus Fly Trap is a cunnilingus technique, and third Trap is a playful photo or message in social networks, and so on. You can dig for yourself for the entertainment of the extension of the vocabulary.
Sex is manipulating the brain, the sellers of comatose manipulated by sex. More precisely, our wallets. (For them, this is the sexiest thing that can happen.)
Does sex sell? Yes. But-selectively. We are, after all, homosexuals, or where?
Shocking and hormone-tickling naming on the packaging is, of course, good, but what’s inside is also important. I know for a fact that the Orgasme shade has become iconic because it refreshes the complexion and goes perfectly with most shades of eye shadow and lipstick. Nars also has Deep Throat and Super Orgasm blush-but not as popular because they are not as versatile.
I know that Tom Ford and Kilian, despite being bullies — their sense of proportion does not allow them to fill their bottles with bad-smelling compote, and Urban Decay makes good shadows and lipsticks. All their “vices” are nothing more than a good condiment for a well-made main course.
Why do I want to buy perfume FF Toma, but a Goop candle-not a drop?
Yes, because I am a grown-up girl and it is important to me with whom to enter into a close relationship. Kylian and Tom are cool guys in my eyes, Etat Libre D’orange are punks who want my mom to like them, but they don’t hide their essence.
And I see Gwyneth Paltrow as a strange lady with esoteric cockroaches in her head. I also have my own (who doesn’t?), but others, and my cockroaches don’t want to be friends with her. The candles
on her Goop vagina may not be bad. But why does she sell jade vaginal eggs of questionable utility and bottles of water crystals?
Title photo — Marta Grossi.