Relationship with marriage: crisis of the first year of family life

Wedding of heroes, final kiss, happy ending. It’s a shame that life is not a Hollywood movie, and a lush celebration is followed by routine, working on relationships, washing dishes, loans and scattered socks. We learned from a psychologist how to get through the first year together without loss.

Friends still remember how they shouted “bitterly!” at your wedding, distant relatives still send greeting cards, and you are already scandalizing and packing a suitcase for your mother. Know that the first year of marriage is difficult for all couples. We figure out how to minimize risks.

Stage one – post-wedding stress

“Ah, this wedding sang and danced”

Over the past few months, you have been in constant anticipation of the holiday: you had to test five versions of the cake, then do a test installation and select decorations. The more difficult it is to switch to a normal, routine life, when you need to go to work, deal with the state of your bills and discuss with your loved one no longer fireworks and a romantic trip, but a list of groceries for a week and the purchase of winter tires.

What the newlyweds feel. Now, instead of “I”, “we” has appeared, and it is difficult for both of you to realize this. You have to do everything with an eye on the other person, you need to say where you are going and what time you will return. You need to share the last cake, you need to put your socks in the laundry basket, you need to cook every day, you need to explain to your friends that they are no longer in the first place. There are a lot of restrictions, and this is not particularly encouraging.

How to overcome the problem. Fortunately, marriage is not only about responsibilities, but also about rights. The right to be loved, protected, desired. The right not to be alone anymore, the right to make every morning special. The right to have a best friend, lover and darts partner rolled into one.

In order not to get depressed after the wedding, do not stop celebrating small home events only together. Have romantic dinners, view wedding photos, and share your memories of the day. Gradually acquire your own traditions and rituals – TV show nights on Fridays, joint jogging in the morning.

Stage two – disillusionment

“You haven’t changed for the better”

Women want to remake men, but they don’t change, men want women to remain the same, but they change. It sounds like an anecdote, but in fact it is. When people get married, people are full of illusions. “He will definitely want to study and make a career.” – “She will always be so affectionate and loving.” Soon after the wedding, people become themselves and at the same time notice that they are not as having fun as before. There comes a cooling of feelings and emotional distance.

What the newlyweds feel. Your emotions have subsided, romantic delight has passed, the veil of love has fallen from your eyes. You found that you have to coexist not with a character from your fairy tale, but with a real person. At this stage, many newlyweds secretly think that they were in a hurry, that this grumpy Medusa Gorgon or this unkempt Shrek is not the person with whom you want to grow old.

See also: A short phrasebook for couples – how to understand each other

How to overcome the problem. Feel this stage coming. The best thing you can do is talk honestly about your feelings with the person with whom you share not only wedding rings, but also thoughts. Both a man and a woman experience the same fear of the coming everyday life. The good news is that you are no longer alone and can discuss your feelings frankly and calmly. And move on.

Stage three – power struggle

“Who is the head in this house?”

When the first panic – “Did I do the right thing that I got married?” – settled down, young people begin to create a new reality. They realize that the family requires work, but again they act on their own and weave a little intrigue.

What the newlyweds feel. Both want happiness one for two, but each is sure that he should take the helm of this ship. Yes, a banal power struggle begins. The good news is that you finally accepted your partner with all the flaws, the bad news is that you decided to be in charge of him. From this you often have quarrels.

How to overcome the problem. You have not yet understood that the problem exists. If your spouse, under your pressure, made compromises, threw away two boxes of audio cassettes and stopped spending every Sunday with your mother, you are in high spirits, you won out.

The thing is that this is a time bomb: if one is manipulating in the family, and the other obeys and accumulates grievances, then this marriage is expiring. Alas and ah.

Stage 4 – crisis

“Do you want to be right or happy?”

If the husband and wife frolic properly at the previous stage, they cheerfully, under the beat of the wedding service, go into a crisis stage. In general, the crisis will be violent if young people cannot build equal partnerships and constantly assert themselves. The crisis can be quiet, when one of the spouses made concessions, deciding to sacrifice his own interests for the sake of saving the family.

What the newlyweds feel. The happiness that you have planned for some reason does not come. You feel disappointed, coldness of your other half and more and more often ask the question “what am I doing here?”

How to overcome the problem. The crisis of the first year of life is perhaps the most serious for a marriage. It’s time to get scared, realize your mistake and sit down at the negotiating table.

Stage 5 – stabilization

“Calm, only calm”

If you manage to agree on an honest distribution of roles in the family, then you will embark on the path of a happy life together. But be prepared to defend your choice. If your dad always gave your mom a salary, then mom will strongly recommend you to do the same. If the husband’s mother is sure that cleaning and cooking should lie on the woman, then take her opinion calmly and do as you decided with your husband.

And when all the relatives begin to beg you for the grandchildren, follow your plan. The birth of a baby, like a wedding, is a very happy event, but very stressful. It makes sense to first build a family model that is comfortable for both, and only then let new residents into this stable world.

See also: 5 films that will teach you how to put up with your husband correctly

What the newlyweds feel. Here you can be congratulated, here it is the long-awaited quiet family happiness. A haven where you can find comfort from all the troubles of the outside world. Now you are no longer against each other, but back to back.

How to overcome the problem… Already overcame! You have adapted and developed a common strategy. The end of the first major crisis comes with the adoption of their new roles within the new family.

Anna Ofitserova

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