“We’ve been living without kisses and sex for five years”

We are 30, together for 10 years. At the beginning of the relationship, we were in no hurry with sex (he was my first man), we had enough hugs and kisses. Six months later, I started asking questions why we only kiss, but we don’t go further. I have always been the initiator of intimacy. At first we tried to have sex about once every four months, then once every six months, the last time – five years ago. I am constantly aroused and want sex. But feeling like a “beggar” is very unpleasant, and I promised myself not to initiate intimacy anymore, but to simply observe. Over the past five years, we have not had sex even once, and three years ago we stopped kissing. I asked to go to a sexologist, gave books about sex. There was only one answer: there is a lot of work now, but it will soon be over. He really works a lot, and over the years I have received everything: an apartment, a car, gifts, travel, so there are no problems in this area. We never quarrel – there is simply no desire to find out something. I have a perfect athletic figure, he often compliments me. But it seems to me that I will soon leave, because by the age of 30 I still do not know what sex life is, and to be a well-to-do nun until old age does not suit me. He is doing well with health and erection. I don’t know what to do. Youth is leaving. A year ago I told him everything, he was very surprised why I was silent for so many years, and promised that now we will have sex, since I need it. But a year has passed … Is the only way out – a lover?

Julia, 30 years old

Julia, the situation in which you find yourself is really not the easiest, but the issue of sexual relations in a couple always concerns two, and you must solve it together, best of all – with a family psychologist and sexologist.

It is not very clear from your letter how things really are. You write that ten years ago you were in no hurry with sex and you had enough kisses. Your man too? Did you discuss this with him? Did he initially show little sexual interest in you? And to other women?

Six months later, you started asking questions about why there is no sex, but you yourself say that you didn’t really want to. And what did he want these six months? Did you initially have a closed or open relationship? That is, while you did not want sex, could your man satisfy his needs with someone else?

You write that you spoke with a man only a year ago, that is, 8.5 years after realizing the problem, and that he was surprised to find out that you want sex. It turns out that he didn’t know before?

If your couple lasted ten years without sex, it means that they have something to hold on to.

Many questions arise regarding your sexual temperament and your interactions with your partner, and your criteria for choosing a partner, and your expectations from the relationship.

Why did you start thinking about your lover right now? What changed? Has someone appeared in your environment to whom you are physically drawn? Do you want sex in principle or with your boyfriend?

Your situation needs to be dealt with for a long time and scrupulously. For ten years, you have not established communication, and it is worth starting with this. You do not say whether you initially had uncertainty on this issue – or, perhaps, an agreement that you do not really need yet, and when you want, you will say.

Your man could all these ten years sacredly believe that you just do not want sex, and, respecting you, not insist. In addition, he may have a low sexual temperament, he may be antisexual, he may experience painful sensations from physical contact. You should at least talk to him about his thoughts, desires and expectations.

Now the accumulated resentment and discontent speak in you, but if your couple lasted ten years without sex, it means that they have something to hold on to. Respect, care, common values, goals and interests are very important components for living together, without which, even with great sex, people do not live together for a long time. Try to resolve the issue, and you will always have time to break off relationships and make new ones.


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