When words are sexy

The role of conversation in relationships is well known. But when it comes to sex, it is not enough to name problems, not to support the attraction with it. On the contrary, the frankness that we venture into in the hope of softening contradictions and understanding each other better, risks extinguishing the fire that feeds passion: partly aggressive, partly mysterious.

However, do not forget the taste of words that excite. “Words allow us to live love, not just make it,” explains psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. “They become erotic when we strive to speak, not to understand each other, but to clothe them with love.”

Sexologist Irina Panyukova adds: “Words can be the key that opens the door to sexual arousal. They inflame desire and increase pleasure, increasing awareness of the actions of partners. Or it can be an approval, permission to another for more daring actions. ” But how? What is it about what is said loudly or in a whisper, in the subtext, timbre and modulations of the voice, in the words that we pronounce before, during and after love? What excites and excites us so much?

The heat of the first messages

Cyrus and Sergey exchanged their first messages almost by accident. “It was nice to meet you in the morning,” the innocent words spoke only of sympathy. This message was followed by others, colored with the same lightness: “I am going to such and such an area, I have a meeting at work.” – “Great! Good luck. See you when you go back. “

By the end of the day, the number of their messages indicated that they did not dare to say directly to themselves about the desire to continue communication and did not really understand what kind of communication it would take and where it would lead them. Two days later, both of them, each on their own, realized the obvious: they endlessly glance at the phone, eagerly awaiting a new message.

The next week, to an anecdote sent to them, she replied: “I was lying!” He decided to write: “Please do not use such words. My fantasy played out. ” She laughed. The game took a new turn. A game of “step forward – step back”, verbal striptease, safe due to distance: “If you were here, I would not disappoint you,” he made the next move, leaving her to imagine how he would please her.

Thanks to the magic of mobile phones and social media, many erotic stories today begin in writing. “In fact, this is nothing new: once the same role was played by letters, remember the book” Dangerous Liaisons “by Choderlos de Laclos, – says Irina Panyukova. – The only difference is the speed, which drives us crazy: after all, he (she) can answer right away, so why is he silent?

Words are now often preceded by a personal meeting. They accompany the origin of desire, serve as the very first and for some time the only available expression of it.

The logic of the development of relationships suggests that they go through three stages: platonic, erotic and sexual

However, it is not the words themselves that are important, but what comes through in them. The ambiguity of the language gives rise to disturbing doubts: he used such and such a word, did he mean it? Did he say that on purpose? “Eroticism is fueled by the frankness of each partner, as well as by what they are silent about, with white margins between the lines – a space for imagination,” says the sexologist. – When partners meet, it is not always convenient for them to talk about such topics. In correspondence, they are bolder, more frank, and thanks to this they can find out in advance about their erotic coincidences, mismatches and decide whether they should go further. “

The advantage and disadvantage of love at a distance is that “imagination creates the illusion necessary for an intimate relationship,” says Jean-Michel Hirt. “But it can also lead to disappointment in a real meeting.”

There is another drawback. “The logic of the development of relationships assumes that they go through three stages: platonic, erotic and sexual,” continues Irina Panyukova. – Starting immediately with erotic correspondence, two skip the first stage of the relationship, the platonic one, when emotional closeness is established. And then it may happen that they wake up in the same bed and realize that there is a person next to them whom they, in fact, do not know. “

The strength of the voice

Sergei left for several weeks. Kira has not seen him since the first exchange of messages. She could no longer recall his face, but it was not so important: through his messages, permeated with mind, poetry, humor, she seemed to penetrate into his essence. She wanted him so much, it was like an obsession, and this desire was somehow connected with these words, which caused such confusion and admiration in her. And then he called. She was surprised by his voice, the seriousness of his sound, the manner of laughing loudly and openly. Sometimes she closed her eyes to hear better. To feel how this voice affects her body.

“The voice of the beloved awakens the confusion of feelings,” says psychoanalyst Sophie Kadalen. – Some of us, depending on the dominant channel of perception, are more sensitive to smell or visual images. But the sound stream that the partner envelops us with has the same effect as a weasel: either it electrifies or it doesn’t. “

The voice that excites, perhaps, takes us back to childhood, “to the kind of sounds that shaped us: the voice of the father through the mother’s belly, the voice of the mother when she tells the evening tale,” suggests Jean-Michel Hirt. “The voice awakens the fusion fantasy.” And therefore has the power to lead us. He is already in itself an expression of the body of another, continues the psychoanalyst: “He embodies his energy, his way of being in the world, indecisive or confident, his masculinity or femininity.”

The voice finally accompanies the transition to body language, slowing down, turning into a whisper, amplifying, turning into breathing, screaming, or a love song.

Prolongation of pleasure

With Kira, Sergei enjoyed being able to talk about sex. With his former girlfriend, this topic was taboo: “Stop talking about it, you’re driving me into a corner.” With Kira, words were like a delicacy, exquisite and exciting. They told each other what they would like, what they would like and how they will never get fed up. They competed in the art of embarrassing each other somewhere in public, whispering in the ear of a partner who could not betray his condition in any way.

Words excite only if they are dictated by our inner impulse, if this is not a concession to a partner, not a desire to please him. “Eroticism doesn’t respond well to orders,” warns Sophie Kadalen. “Too often men want to get women to talk about their fantasies, and women demand actions that delight them.”

It excites what we decide to say, because we want to say it at the moment to this person. By saying this, we become extremely vulnerable, because we appear in the nakedness of our desire, which the partner may not share. But this is what shocks and worries us: the desire that opens up to us in a mixture of shame and shamelessness.

It would be a shame to be led by shyness, because our desires just interfere with the transformation of sex into a routine. When we refuse to talk, we deprive ourselves of creativity, but along with it the fear that spices up intimate relationships. “However, not everyone needs conversations,” says Irina Panyukova. – There are couples in which partners perfectly understand each other without words, focusing more on intuition, on non-verbal signs: facial expressions or gestures.

The taste of bad words

The man whom Kira loved before could not stand frank confessions. At least when she said them. The inability to express them deprived them of sex that passion that would give her pleasure. Although she herself was jarred more than once by the words that she heard from some of her “exes”. She recalls how she despised a lover who spoke of her “pussy” and called her “slut”, like in a bad porn movie.

Joy and trust connected her with Sergei, helping to decide on everything. Therefore, yes, everything was accepted “with a bang”: scenarios in any genre, vulgarity, rudeness … Everything was a reason for laughter, experiments, jubilation.

But what if you are unable to meet your partner’s expectations simply because the language refuses to pronounce “indecent” words?

“You can assume that you do not like frank words, and then meet someone who will reveal this pleasure to you,” confirms Sophie Kadalen. – And for someone it will be an exquisite pleasure to call each other in you or to speak in a foreign language. Once again: eroticism is born from the fact of accepting one’s desire, without waiting for permission. ” It also arises from the fact that the partner directly offers us, even overstepping the bounds of decency.

“But sex incompatible with goodness, says Jean-Michel Hirt. – Eroticism requires some kind of filth, desecration. And also aggressiveness and insults, when two people strike each other, which in fact mean something else. “

The psychoanalyst occasionally listens to women mourning the restraint of partners in bed. It’s as if they stay fully clothed. But what if you are unable to meet your partner’s expectations simply because the language refuses to pronounce “indecent” words? “As teenagers, most of us try strong expressions,” recalls Irina Panyukova. “And there is nothing wrong with symbolically returning to that time and using them again.”

Revelations of erotic literature

Not to say that Kira was fond of erotic novels, but nevertheless she read the classics and remembered the restless feeling that de Sade left in her soul, and the sensuality experienced while reading Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover. At a later age, she swallowed Reyes’ novel The Butcher and found the perfect balance between comfort and anxiety.

One evening Sergey found a magazine with a novel at her place and began to leaf through it. “Are you reading this too?” This amused him. As he read the book aloud next to her, he wondered which words and scenes might have turned her on. So he opened new strings of sensuality in Cyrus. And she found herself wanting to explore with him fantasy worlds, different from their own.

“The couple will not keep the desire if they do not open themselves to those in the outside world that may excite her,” says Sophie Kadalen. “In erotic literature, we find ourselves excited about scenes that we would find demeaning if they weren’t so well written.”

If the partner is carried away by the fantasy created by the author, then why not get carried away by our fantasies, not explore the infinity of yet untested possibilities? Moreover, erotic literature also helps us to discover unexpected facets of sensuality and, in general, to expand the boundaries of our personality, Irina Panyukova emphasizes. Reading can take us further than we ourselves could go. And allows two to step on the path of sensuality.

Cinema in the subject

“Little death”… Several married couples embark on a risky adventure, realizing their secret sexual fantasies. Directed by Joshua Lawson, 2014, Australia.

“The Art of Seduction”. The beautiful Laura (Cecile de France) asks Etienne, who is in love with her, a date … in five months. Straight talk about upcoming sex is fueling more and more passion in them. Directed by Richard Berry, 2001, France.


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