– Sometimes after work I walk myself like a dog to be at least a little alone, because at home my wife takes up all the space.
– Why does he freak out so much when I try to help him?
– In the evening between me and my wife are her many hours of ranting, which I want to put out the door.
– I do not understand him! He sometimes turns deaf!
These are just four phrases that describe relationships with those who can be both the most beloved and dear ones, and the most unbearable.
Men and women in an effort to understand each other are doomed to failure. We are completely different. Wise nature, foreseeing a continuous series of disagreements, gave us different bodies so that the external difference would remind us of the differences in everything else. We speak, feel, think, be silent, act, recover in different ways. We even want or do not want something, we dream and are disappointed in different ways.
A man does not know that a woman does not need help when she speaks out
In an effort to show love, we communicate with others in the way we would like them to communicate with us. When we show in relation to our partner all the best that we would like to experience in relation to ourselves, instead of gratitude, we risk receiving resistance, and then a portion of disappointment. We cannot understand someone who is different by nature, but we can learn what exactly helps us build harmonious relationships.
For example, when listening to women’s verbal outpourings, men often think, “How can I help her?” He has no idea that a woman doesn’t need help when she speaks out. She just needs to share her experiences, getting hugs and kisses along the way, that’s all. She does not need any solutions, but many men consider them a necessary attribute of help. They, offering their “forget”, “do not pay attention”, “you need to rest”, are convinced that they are doing the best for their woman. Men may not even realize that she does not need it at all.
What is important to know and remember about men?
- Neither man nor woman reads minds, so be clear about your expectations. If you need to get something, you need to ask for it. In the event that a woman does not ask for support, the man concludes that everything is fine with her.
- Male behavior during falling in love is often reserved. He will not chat incessantly, enthusiastically give advice about hats and fat content of meat. This does not mean that he does not care.
- It is important for him to be accepted for who he is, to be appreciated, trusted, admired, approved and encouraged, so that he can trust a woman and be emotionally safe with her. You want the same from him, right?
- If you want to help achieve more, give up any attempts to redo it, help with advice and participation.
- Achievements are important for him: results give confidence and motivate for big victories. But you need to achieve results yourself, without resorting to outside help and not following advice. He doesn’t like being given advice that he didn’t ask for. He takes them as an insult. At the same time, women are more likely to offer care and assistance as naturally as a cup of tea.
- Men do not like when they are prompted, when they are pulled back and corrected. Until he asks for help and support, there is no need to offer ..
- Many men don’t apologize. This means for them a refusal to recognize their right to do as they see fit, a refusal to be independent.
- He needs to feel that he is needed. He must understand that with him your life is noticeably changing for the better, that he is appreciated, he is trusted, trusted, he is accepted as he is.
- Men, when faced with a problem, sometimes need privacy. Being in peace and quiet helps them find a solution. Silence does not mean that he has fallen out of love. He needs to be alone and at the same time not apologize for selfishness. Some women do not understand this, because in difficult times they need to speak out, get sympathy, support. They rush to give all this to a man when they see him upset. Such care is perceived as a stranglehold, because a man wants to be left alone. By the way, this is exactly what he does when he sees a woman upset: he gives her what he considers best. The partner perceives this as callousness, indifference and indifference.
Those who believe that tears have magical effects are right. Seeing them, men often begin to consider themselves inferior, flawed and insignificant types, next to whom a woman is unhappy. Believing that something is wrong with him, the man closes in and withdraws. Before shedding a tear, especially a manipulative one, be prepared to receive the man’s defensive reaction, but not his sympathy. It is important for your gentleman not to feel like a source of troubles and tears.
- You should spend more time with your kids, they miss you.
- You’re going very fast, slow down.
- Here’s a parking spot, put it here.
- You want to spend time with your friends, but what about me?
- Don’t put it here, or you’ll lose it.
- Mom called three times already, when will you call her back?
Women use exaggeration and metaphors that men take literally. They react to them with barbs and the best form of defense, that is, attack. For example, “always”, “never”, “everything”, “you can’t hear / see / feel at all”, “blind / deaf / dumb”.
Avoid the expression: “Could you?”, “Can’t you …?”. The man also takes them literally. To your “Could…” he honestly replies: “I can”, without implying that he will do it. If you need help, say directly: “Do it, please.”
- This is not your fault.
- I’m glad I can talk to you about this.
- I’m glad that I can cry to you, it becomes easier for me.
- I spoke out, I feel better, thank you.
- It’s good that I have you.
- You work so hard to provide for us.
- You did / fixed / said so well …
When seeking support, be short and direct when discussing the situation, talk about the feelings, not about him. “You upset me” replace with “I was upset”, “You offended me” – with “I was offended”. And, completing the description of your feelings and emotions, say how you want it to be next time. We often say “I don’t want”, “I don’t like it”, while keeping silent about what exactly we want and what we like.
How do women destroy relationships?
The desire to redo, giving advice, criticism, tutelage, control and the desire to do the best, devaluation of what he does, reminders of what he is not doing.
How do men destroy relationships?
The desire to teach, to tell how to do, with instructions from the category of “do not worry.” Passive listening, without questions, participation and empathy, ignoring the feelings that a woman shares in a conversation.
What to do?
Men often think in silence, women – out loud. When he reflects, any verbal interference is regarded as a doubt in his independence. When a woman thinks out loud, the intervention is perceived as caring, involved, and helpful. The strength of men is in consistency; women are much better at multitasking. She can cook dinner, check her homework, talk on the phone, and jot down her to-do list for tomorrow. A man can often only perform one task. If you asked him to help your son with the lessons, do not throw questions about dinner, do not ask how the day went, how is mom’s health. The man is consistent: first the lessons, then the rest point by point.
For a man, there are no boundaries between sympathy and pity, but for a woman these are two different ways of showing concern. Pity devalues a man; she talks to a woman about participation. It is important for a man to feel independence and freedom from time to time, therefore sports, hunting and fishing retreats are natural and important for him. The need to be with a woman and the need to be alone naturally alternate. This is comparable to how the cycle of inspiration and emotional recession changes in a woman.
The desire of a woman to do everything herself is a sure way to raise a weak-willed man
In a dispute, a man, as a rule, defends freedom, and a woman – the right to be heard. Both partners give each other the love that they themselves need. She may not be at all what a person needs. At the same time, both feel the same: “I give all of myself and receive nothing in return.”
An upset man needs to be alone. An upset woman often needs to be heard. Men experience a surge of strength and motivation when they feel needed, but the feeling of being unnecessary kills their feelings. Women feel elated when they feel there is someone to take care of them.
I want to remind you that the desire of a woman to do everything herself, to rush to help is a sure way to “educate” a weak and weak-willed man. Choosing the strategy “I will do it myself, I’m so calmer”, we limit the man in showing activity and independence. This behavior has consequences. In order not to be horrified tomorrow: “What happened to him after the wedding?”, Think about what you are doing today.
about the author
Natalia Luchnikova – psychologist, author of the book “I want, can, do”, author and trainer. Her.
Source : www.psychologies.ru